Tuesday, 1 November 2016

blurting out all sorts of things

 Blimey, nearly TWO months has passed since I last scribbled down something here. Those two months have been life changing and busy. I started studying again. Once a week I travel to Cambridge (the School of Art not the University for the brainiest people), then rest of the time I try to squeeze in studying. Because of this life change I had to start working on Sundays too to keep on earning enough to survive. I'm also dating someone new which makes life very exciting but all this makes me very BUSY. In the middle of being extremely busy it would be easy to cut off training. I've had to reduce karate lessons already as they are on the same day I need to be in Cambridge but I refuse to reduce any more training. Being physically healthy keeps me going and keeps me sane. On Cambridge mornings I have to wake up stupid early to catch the train. This has made me wake up earlier on other days as well and I am finally getting back to running in the mornings again. Morning runs are the best! Autumn mornings are already cold enough that I've had to dig out my long sleeved running tops. The neon orange top matches the sunrise actually. 

That's me after running to the Castle, the climbing place. It's a sweaty selfie of me wearing not much. I don't do exercise primarily to look good. I do exercise to be better and to feel good. However, I'm happy to hang around half naked. I don't really have great body hang ups. This is probably because I exercise and live fairly healthily. I do get annoyed when people keep on talking about dieting and weight control. I try to promote sport as a feel good thing and not a body shaping thing BUT I have come to the conclusion that this is easy for me to say. I am happy in my body. I like the way it looks too. I'm lucky that I don't need to obsess over it because I am content enough. This is not the case with lots of people. I wasn't totally like this always either. I've been always slim (the body shape people falsely think as healthy and ideal) but I haven't always been healthy. There was a time I was skinny and sick. I had an eating disorder. My head and body were both ill. It was a vicious circle. One made the other ill and vice versa. I was ashamed of my illness then and long after. Only lately have I been able to confess that I had it and talk bit more openly about it. It's hard to pin point exact reasons that spiralled me into that bad place. It is obvious though that the obsession on HOW BODIES LOOK LIKE in our culture played a part. This is exactly why I have consciously learned not to obsess over the looks but concentrate on how I feel instead. This is also why I am rather allergic to diet talk. No matter how innocent people think negative body comments are, they are still NEGATIVE and never ever innocent. Now, it probably is that if I would put significant amount of weight on, the old monster would raise it's head again, so from that perspective I am not immune for the look side of things. I obviously like looking ok. But for me looking ok has also become very different to what it used to mean to me. Looking ok is to love my capable body, not to sculpt it so that I can then love it.

I'm not sure where all this came from tonight. Why my fingers just wrote all that down but guess it has been waiting to get out for some time. My head is still full of deep and less deep thoughts on why I take sport so seriously. Why I do this all. How did I get to this point. What made me, the superhero wannabe. Why do I so desperately want to be a super something?